Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
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Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live
A banana just sold at an art auction for $6.2 million, so if our custodian still hasn’t thrown out that orange someone left in one of our study rooms last week, we may never have to do a capital campaign again.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Guy: “I’m so hungry and there’s no game around.”
Me w/camera: *eating packed lunch*
“You can do it, dude.”
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there