Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
You Might Also Like
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.