Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spring is here!

I got so excited I wet my plants!

I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.

Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious

What do you text your spouse?

High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.

The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.

[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.

WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.

When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”

Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”

My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.

Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.

Do you believe in aliens ?

If so , do they have genitals?

My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.

#WorldWaterDay

That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign

“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road

[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.

I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.

Me: Hi—

Her: I have a boyfriend

Me: —and would you like fries with that?

I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so

Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?

Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?

“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.

“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.

I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy

“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?

I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.

Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

fellas is it cheating to call people by their names

My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all