Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Optometrist: better or worse?

Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now

I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me

Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

[at Super Bowl party]

Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK

Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow

Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON

My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.

Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job

Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion

Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer

911: omg

Me: omg

911: “an” murderer haha

Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it

Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”

always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?

Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.

i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs

GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me

Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.

daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly

her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-

daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]

You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…

An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.

Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know

ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING

(On a date)

Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.

Me: haha yeah that was a good call…

*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*

Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:

Music: Jimi Hendrix

Science: Albert Einstein

Business: Michael Scott

“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic

“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?

Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.