Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
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Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
She was REALLY feeling it.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Unimpressed
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”