Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .

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Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.


As an only child with a pet cat that bullied me, the pool cleaning robot was my closest friend.


By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.


Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.


Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.


H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?

Me: I can’t afford a face lift.


‘Benjamin Button.’




‘Knock knock!’


Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.