My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
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Don’t you hate it when you’re so high on drugs that simple, everyday, mundane tasks become difficult? Anyway, I pissed on your sofa.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
[opens hawk cage]
RELEASE THE BEES
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?