@cambuslad

Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .

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@thatdutchperson

Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.

@doktorj

As an only child with a pet cat that bullied me, the pool cleaning robot was my closest friend.

@BuyBritishMilk

By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.

@BuckyIsotope

Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.

@Jesssicle

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

@PinkCamoTO

H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?

Me: I can’t afford a face lift.

@sirchutney

‘Benjamin Button.’

‘BENJAMIN WHO?’

‘Benjamin’

‘WHO’S THERE?’

‘Knock knock!’

@TheBoydP

Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.