Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
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Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
but if i put my laundry away, the laundry chair will be out of a job
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.