Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.

Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.

I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.

This is a whole mood;

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.

I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content

Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.

I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.

Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle

one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees

The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.

Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”

For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.

Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough

Life hack:

Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.

I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”

Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear

Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not

WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right

There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.