Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂

Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.

My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro

*Turning off led flashlight.

Led flashlight: hahahahaha

How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.

My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week

[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*

Dude just wanted a popsicle…

I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.

Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.

you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser

Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…

My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”

Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.

“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”

ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.

me: oh good what is it.

ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.

me: haha whoops.

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.

Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”

Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”

her: well don’t just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i’m pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part

Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate

Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?

Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even

My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”

Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?

“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.

My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.

There’s anxiety and then there’s my 4yo counting to 10 really fast because we’re playing hide and seek and oh my gosh I haven’t found a hiding spot yet

Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?