Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
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[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.
Don’t let the woman with a smile on her face fool you … Oikos High Protein Yogurt tastes like feet.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.