Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
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I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
The USS B port
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.