Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?

Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO

It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.

5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.

Me: OK

5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!

Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*

5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.

Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.

dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.

“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that

Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.

Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*

You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.

My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies

[first date]

date: i’m an optimist

me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before

My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.

thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine

ㅤ

My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run

When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.

If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.

Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.

“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”

Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.

[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*

I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.

I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em

Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins

Wife: No you didn’t

Dog: Ruff

Me: See, wrath!

Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to

Dog: Gluttony

Wife: Holy shit

Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.

Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten

The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…

People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones