Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.

Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.

Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.

Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home

As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this

Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?

Husband: Huh?

Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?

Husband: What?

Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?

Husband:

Oh hi lol

Me: I miss baseball

Umpire: Strike one!

The night is dark and full of terrors.

My day is long and full of meetings.

Same thing.

A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.

Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.

Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.

AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.

George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.

I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.

Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work

[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out

It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?

*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*

When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow

I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.

If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too

My 3 moods:

1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit

lmao

Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason