Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles

1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?

What do we want?!

A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!

When do we want it?!

NOW!

Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.

Me: DIALOGUE!!!

Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.

Her: How’s your drink?

Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though

Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake

If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.

retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?

Patron: I’ll have the french toast

Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.

ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?

It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.

KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time

me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?

mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.

Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot

[zombie movie set]

Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”

*actors look around confused as heck*

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps

I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask

Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.

Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-

*saxophone solo*

INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.

mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at

Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.

ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*

BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters

When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.

Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems