Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?

Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.

The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.

*pronounces UPS like yoops

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit

I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf

boss: can i see u in my office

me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out

it must be school picture day

Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.

Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.

Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered

I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash

I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”

Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.

We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.

I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.

People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.

I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.

Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request

me: cool!

Facebook: she’s racist now

me: uhh

Facebook: everyone on here is

“Are you religious?”

Bro I don’t even believe in myself

My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.

Person: What are you doing?

Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls

P: You win weirdest problem of the day

You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…

Never deleting this app.

[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?

Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths

girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death