Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

[Valentine’s Day]

me: *gets divorced*

[24 hours earlier]

me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this

This is a whole mood;

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

🤣

<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.

Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.

I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.

Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise

“Don’t tread on me.”

– out-of-order sign on a treadmill

I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.

[Intruder breaking into my house]

Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off

Him: Huh?

Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start

Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off

Me: *tightening karate belt* I know

My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.

On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.

Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!

It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.

[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.

Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…

Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.

I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.

Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.

3: Imma be a lamp.

Me: I’m done talking to you for now.

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

God: I need one more rib please

Adam: No

God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem

Adam: I said NO

God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only

When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”

*sees oven left on

“What moron left the oven on!?”

*tries repeatedly to turn it off

“WTF!? Stupid oven!”

*realizes 425 is the time

I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.