Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
You Might Also Like
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
The internet is magic sometimes.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
not for long
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.