Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Well, this is awkward
It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
thoughts?
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
