Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Sorry not sorry.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
subtitles are so good nowadays
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
As the Lord intended
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
