Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
This time of year it’s either lazy starvation or eight thousand calories in one sitting
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
