Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
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Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
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Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
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Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.