Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
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Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.