Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mmmmm white people

– sharks

Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.

Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.

Comedy booker: how much time can you do?

Me: I have an hour

Comedy booker: there might be children there

Me: I have 7 seconds

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]

Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.

There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes

Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions

Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.

At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.

[First day as a beaver]

Me: Dam.

there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry

You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.

I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.

David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.

the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service

that’s really how it is

How to wake up a Beagle

I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.

Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”

Wise advice

Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.

Guy: what do you know about crypto

Me: that’s a DC villain, right?

morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one

me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs

I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.

[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?

Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.

Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.

My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”