Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
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Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.