@cravin4

Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.

You Might Also Like

@ItsBobBelcher

To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present,

they are due back at the library today.

@heatherlou_

If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.

@EvanJKessler

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.

@DevenRue

What’s your guide about?

Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!

Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.

Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆

#wildemount #critters #dnd

@DirtMcTurd

Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it

@noog

Batman

Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred

Cons: Robin

@AbbieEvansXO

[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]

Him: hey I just saw your text

@themorris23

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”nnnExpecting that Father of the Year award any day now

@BlondAmbitionTO

I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.

@WheelTod

[First Date. Full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar