Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.

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To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present,

they are due back at the library today.


If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.


Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.


What’s your guide about?

Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!

Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.

Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆

#wildemount #critters #dnd


Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it



Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred

Cons: Robin


[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]

Him: hey I just saw your text


In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”nnnExpecting that Father of the Year award any day now


I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.


[First Date. Full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar