Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge

Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…

Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?

WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.

me: never meet your heroes

also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please

an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube

I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.

4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh

[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name

If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?

Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?

I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.

She was really dark.

My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?

Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.

pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”

Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.

“Can I help you?”

“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”

“So, you’re here about the job?”

“Most indubitably.”

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.

when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour

my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards

me: (in distant background) holy shit.

*Sweeping the floor

Lower back: “Time to go out!”

Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”

Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”

*cries hunchbackedly

“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.

We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”

There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.

*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*