Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
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Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
boys are so easy to impress
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.
I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
What number SPF blocks people?
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.