Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
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Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Silent letters are really out there squeezing into words like “don’t worry I’ll be quiet you won’t even know I’m here”
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
just got off an incredibly depressing and frustrating phone call with my evil health insurance company who actively wants me to die, time to take a big sip of coffee and check the news
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
About to throw up
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!