today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
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127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Look Ma, no handle on things
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
sensitive skin
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?