today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
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When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅