today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
You Might Also Like
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
This Christmas, get her the gift that’ll last a lifetime. Give her a tortoise.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
mom gave me mine for free
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
only kind of dinner drama i approve of
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.