today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
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Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.