today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
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A rich person walking around like “oh my, where are my manors?”
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS
her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
I may have bags under my eyes, but they’re Versace.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.