Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?

Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.

I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.

With grape soda comes grape responsibility.

Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.

I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.

Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.

Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?

My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”

me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁

It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories

The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.

Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.

Me: How was school?

5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders

Me: what did you need to be reminded about?

5:

Me:

5: You don’t need to worry about that

*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*

ME: *watching a meteor shower

METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.

Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.

inside you are two wolves

Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….

So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!

Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first

Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.

Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast

I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

What the hell is going on?

[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it

Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is