today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
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[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Can you solve the riddle??
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.