Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
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What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”