Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
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*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
I misspelled ‘I’m unstoppable’ and my phone autocorrected to ‘I’m unstable’ and honestly, that’s fair.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?