today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
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Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Mission: Impossible
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.