today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
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As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Get off my horse you stupid moon
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.