Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”
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i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!