Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
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if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Ironic
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.