Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM

Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever

I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist

I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.

*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.

Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.

9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”

And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information

Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:

1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony

Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.

Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.

Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming

My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.

ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it

You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.

Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house

Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.

Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*

-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

~ The Okra Show

I got an email from Nigerian spinach.

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark

Noah: what’s wrong?

God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes

Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy

ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?

NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not

ME: I’m getting to that

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp

when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch

when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program

One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.

Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.

me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment

gf: orchids

me: whoa we should get married first

[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen