Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*

Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit

Me: WAIT

Adam and Eve: *Staring*

Me: You gotta wash it first

Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.

My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.

“Santa isn’t real” ok, I literally just saw him at the mall

Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids

When they talk about CIA on cooking shows

What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs

ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns

Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered

Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.

“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.

The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole

pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor

tv execs: go on

pitch: but he is better than other doctors

tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*

pitch: because of his Condition

tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

DATE: what’s your favorite movie?

ME: Se-seven-en

DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V

ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb

[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school

I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”

GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.

“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”

GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.

trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?

Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”

Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.

Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.

Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.

#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls

Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.

i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do

(at the doctor)

Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.

My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.