today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
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Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”
Student: Would you use it in a sentence?
Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
“what that mouth do?” complain
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll