today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
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Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?