Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]

“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.

[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore

I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.

My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.

I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets

*phone rings*

Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!

Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.

Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?

Daughter: I don’t know.

Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.

Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap

[1st date]

Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster

Him: we should check out my hot-tub later

Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*

me: are u 2 girls from England

them: Wales u idiot

me: sorry are u 2 whales from England

MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!

ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-

M: Archaeologists are stumped!

A: No, we have a good amount of evi-

M: Was it even humans?

A: Yes. Yes it was.

M: Perhaps we’ll never know!

A: *screams*

We’re finally out of lockdown!!!

Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.

I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine

If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.

Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.

Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?

Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.

I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.

wife: hey…HEY

me: *takes out earbuds*

wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?

me: *puts earbuds back in*

Nobody ever collects famous first words.

Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.