today my son asked me if other animals date too and i honestly never thought about that. imagine dating an avoidant bird? every argument, they’d just… fly away.
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Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears