today my son asked me if other animals date too and i honestly never thought about that. imagine dating an avoidant bird? every argument, they’d just… fly away.
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*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?