Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
