Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
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I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day
them: is it for an advent calendar
me: no
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES