Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.

GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.

ANGEL:

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-

wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though

neighborhood watch

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

boss: you’re fired

me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that

Review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.

modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail

Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!

Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet

guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*

“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance

My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”

Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself

Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear

Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff

you also like cloning? well that makes two of us

I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening

*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*

“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”

1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data

[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”

Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”

Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”

Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over

Her: This is our bedroom

Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.

The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.

Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.

I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”