Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
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A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
Some of y’all tomorrow …
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
The police said I was a Suspect…. but I prefer a Person Of Interest
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works