Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
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If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor
real
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.