Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.

Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, “Do you have a favorite song?”

The other replies, “Well… all my life I have been a heavy metal fan.”

5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.

I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude

I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……

ME: what came first the chicken or the egg

FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you

Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.

JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*

if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers

[Valentine’s Day]

me: *gets divorced*

[24 hours earlier]

me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.

my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm

What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight

Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan

me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?

wife: give me back the baby

Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*

Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*

satan: not today, microsoft teams

I know karate and tons of other words.

Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.

If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.

date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob