Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
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**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
on da cob, we all corn
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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10. He is a cat.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
When you’re here for the treats.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
How did they know the suspect had a ghost gun?
It fired boohlets.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.