Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.

[getting pulled over]

Me: R u a bear cop?

Bear cop: Is that a problem?

Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop

*mauls me for bad pun*

This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.

son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]

How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

*finds a corpse in the house*

Oh great, more cleaning.

‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong

When you have to use a public restroom.

[Fortnite with 9]

9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?

Me: Sure, why?

9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.

Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!

“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica

two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glof

no more questions

I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.

Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.

Colleagues: “You look tired.”

Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.

Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.

Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”

Me: “So how does that make you feel?”

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.

I did NOT need to see this today!!!!

My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.

Good morning

One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.

Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder

Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.

Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!

Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*

Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!