today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
I found your tweet-up…
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Going into Monday like
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
