Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
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Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.