Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there

I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜

Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.

The 5 signs of laziness

1.

‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already

My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time

He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever

15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.

This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!

Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.

Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.

Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.

Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch

It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!

New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.

I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.

My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*

If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.

If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.

Bike for sale

Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it

[Nightcap]

Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.

Her: It’s….a….nice.

Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.

I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.

If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger

It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.

When customers come in 6 hours before closing

Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke