Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.

My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.

“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today

“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.

My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect

Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.

[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]

*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me

7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other

Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?

7: I need $20 and your car keys.

I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.

*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*

I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!

At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.

Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!

Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.

Husband: I’m sitting right here.

Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.

I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.

My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.

In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”

I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”

19 y.o.: “What?”

Me: “I didn’t say anything.”

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.

[making out in a club]

her: wanna go to the bathroom?

me: no I’ve just been thanks

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise

Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash

Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.

Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?

me at a party:

*eats*
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*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
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*repeat for duration of party*
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*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
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*go back once more*

I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.

I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.

i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard

As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.