Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
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Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.
bros in the example zone 😭
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”