Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids forever killing vibes 💀

on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR

I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.

friend: what are your plans for The Purge?

[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]

me: do a murder

I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit

Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Dada!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Papa!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.

Me: This is bullshit.

Baby: This is bullshit.

Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.

How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin

To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?

When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.

You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion

Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.

I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP

[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.

[going to bed]

Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.

[5 AM the next morning]

Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.

nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here

Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.

[Later]

Her: You passed our stop.

Me: I am aware.

Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon

“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic

On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”

me the second it drops below 70 degrees

My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck

i was baptized in a car wash

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?

We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.

I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely

This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”

Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.

Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.