Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
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Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.