Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Butt weight. There’s more!
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Only a mother’s love …
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it
#OneLiner
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”
They were going to a funeral.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
