Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.
“No, my money is in it.”
“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”
“In case I need to make a bet”
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
weddings should have a worst man
