Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
