Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me
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Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS