Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me
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massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
<—- homeless romantic
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.