Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me
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“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home