today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants
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When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Saw this yesterday lol
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’