today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants
You Might Also Like
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him
