today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants
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My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
I’m calling the cops.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”