Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
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[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Can’t stop laughing
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.