Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
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[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]
My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.
6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Möther may I have a snäck
