Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
You Might Also Like
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
At least try to make it slightly believable
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty