Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
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I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Finally, a door that understands me
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something