Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.

I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.

*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls

Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?

Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”

Person: *laughing*

Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.

My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.

My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.

KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat

DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes

Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.

*slams a five on the counter*

“Bartender! Give me another!”

*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*

Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.

Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments

*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*

This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.

In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.

The human body is 70% water and 30% land

As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”

Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.

It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic

Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT

*puts to and to together*

*blesses the rains down in Africa*

If someone is whistling they:

1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone

you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore

No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.

Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”

Me: “ok”

Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”

We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.

We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.

Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.

The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.

As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks

“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”