Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
You Might Also Like
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me: