Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk

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[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full


Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins

Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-

Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed

Me: … that long


[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”


A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.


I see your eyes lookin me up and down, baby. Mhmm.
Huh? Toilet paper hangin out of my pants?


Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs


When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage


Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???


*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”